Jordan & Trace
I remember our miscarriage so vividly. I went to work that morning, so excited and nervous to have a little life forming in my belly. It was our secret, and my husband and I were enjoying the time before Facebook knew! We were scheduled to see the doctor and hear the baby’s heartbeat in a couple of days and I had been counting down! But during a morning meeting I ran to the bathroom to find blood and my heart sank.
I called my husband with a nervous shake in my voice and he met me at our house to drive to the doctor together. We sat in her office in tears as she told us my levels had dropped. We had lost the baby. Walking into our home hit us like a ton of bricks, for some reason being in the house was devastating. We were packing up to move to a new house in a few weeks, (in fact we closed on our new house the next day), and seeing all the boxes that we had packed with dreams of a nursery in our heads was rough. We slept on an air mattress in our living room that night because we couldn’t face our bedroom and we played video games to numb the pain between tears.
While 7 weeks seems short, that was one of the hardest losses I have ever experienced. We didn’t tell a lot of people that we were expecting; though looking back I wish we had. Those who knew about our miscarriage were extremely supportive: my husband’s boss brought us dinner, my family reached out, a close friend took me out to a movie. We have such a strong community and anyone who has heard our story has supported us, but I think in the moment most people served us best as distractions. While it may seem shallow, the distractions helped.
Even now I struggle in talking about miscarriage and comforting others. The emotions of a grieving mother have stayed with me. They emotions rise to the surface anytime the subject comes up and while I think that is part of my healing but also a hindrance. It is a tall task to think we could bring any comfort to a parent who has lost a child, but I know the simple presence of those who cared for us and prayers sent our way meant so much.
I’m not sure I ever grieved. I felt like we miscarried so early that is wasn’t warranted, that I didn’t deserve to grieve.
I’m not sure I ever grieved. I felt like we miscarried so early that is wasn’t warranted, that I didn’t deserve to grieve. We were 7 weeks pregnant, technically a “chemical pregnancy.” That categorization seemed to discredit what I was feeling. I was shattered! The depth of a parent’s love is incredible, we knew that little life for such a short time, and yet we had prayers and hopes and dreams revolving around him or her. I compared our miscarriage to others and thought we didn’t really know the pain of loss. I still feel that way even as I write this, but my eyes are also filled with tears and my heart physically hurts, so that is real and our pain associated with miscarriage is real.
I don’t think any parent should be denied a chance to grieve. I am still working through a lot of the emotions of miscarriage almost 3 years later. That pain has stayed with me, but as time has passed I have become more comfortable addressing our miscarriage and recognizing it as a loss. As Christians, we know God sees life at the moment of conception. He had a divine plan for our baby even in my womb. I hold tight to that anytime I start to deny myself the chance to grieve or to speak out about miscarriage.
In the time between our miscarriage and the birth of our daughter, I questioned my ability to have a baby at all, I questioned my womanhood, I questioned God and his plan, the list goes on. I was overcome with pain and confusion at the time of our miscarriage, and overcome with fear after my recovery and with our next pregnancy. Pregnancy was rough for me – physically, mentally and spiritually. I struggled in trusting in the Lord and giving my daughter’s sweet life over to him. I had to try and let go. Momma Bear instinct kicked in so quickly and I wanted to be able to protect her. I wanted to be able to control my body and do everything right so she would be okay! I lived in fear of miscarriage, of her being taken away from me too soon. Those are still fears I struggle with every day. While the idea of giving over the most important things to the Lord and trusting in his beautiful plan was exactly what I didn’t want to hear after our miscarriage, it is without a doubt, the truth!
I know now that the Lord brought me through miscarriage to draw me closer to Him, to make me stronger, braver, able to tell this story and help another Momma through an incredible amount of pain and loss. My husband and I were the closest we have ever been through our miscarriage – we prayed together, we cried together. I was on medicine to help us get pregnant the first time, but after our miscarriage we took a break from the medications and constant monitoring. We were at our lowest point, completely helpless in the fight for a baby.
the Lord has a way of working in the valleys so that we can only give glory to Him.
But the Lord has a way of working in the valleys so that we can only give glory to Him. It was in that time we found out we were pregnant again! We were in shock, we cried tears of joy and knew our daughter was a miracle and a gift only God could provide.
I believe now more than ever before that life is life, no matter how small, and that a mother’s love is immediate! I hope our story can bring comfort to another family grieving the loss of a child. I hope there is a mother struggling with the emotions of an early miscarriage who can find comfort in the fact that it is ok to not be ok.