Since my menstrual cycle wasn’t regular yet, I had no idea how far along I was in this pregnancy. I called my doctor’s office and they had me come in to confirm that I was pregnant. So there I was, getting blood drawn with Ruby sleeping in her car seat next to me. My doctor’s nurse, Sherry, walked by and was shocked to see me in the lab. I had such mixed feelings sitting there. I felt excitement, but also some embarrassment and shame. I obviously didn’t listen to my doctor’s instruction to use protection every time. She had been very direct about not getting pregnant in the first year, because my body needed time to heal from the C-section. And there I was, pregnant, three months after having Ruby. Shame on me.
The last two moments happened between the lab confirming my pregnancy.
(Yep. Your blood work says you are pregnant. Congratulations!) and my first actual doctor’s appointment. My friend, Carlotta, and I were headed to Dallas for a baby shower. Our conversation turned quickly to my pregnancy, and for the first time I said out loud that I felt like something was wrong. I told her that I didn’t feel connected to this baby the way I did to Ruby. I felt like I wasn’t going to raise this child. I still don’t know why I hadn’t told Daren or my sisters. But I remember feeling relieved that someone else knew that this baby might not make it.
The next moment was in the middle of the night, after waking up with Ruby. I felt overwhelmed with love for her and the need to protect her. Then I thought about this new little one growing inside of me. I began to think about all the “what ifs” that can consume one’s mind in the middle of the night. Fear seeped in and for the first time I thought:
What is wrong with this baby? What if I am asked to terminate this pregnancy? What if I have to make the decision to live or for the baby to live? What would Ruby do without a mommy? What would Daren do if I die because of this pregnancy?
Looking back on all of the moments leading up to this one, I know that God was graciously revealing to me that something was wrong. He was gentle and quiet in the revelation. But alone, in the dark, I felt a powerful, loud Truth laid on me.
I LOVE DAREN MORE THAN YOU DO. RUBY NEEDS ME MORE THAN SHE NEEDS YOU. THAT BABY IS LIFE AND YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DETERMINE IF IT LIVES OR DIES. MY PLANS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR PLANS.
And that was that.